Are You Lonely?
Dec 22, 2023
Seventy-five years ago, Harvard University began tracking the lives of 724 young adult men - their careers, their relationships, and their health - attempting to learn who will still be active and vigorous in their 80s and why. Sixty of those men are still alive and active in the study. What have the researchers learned?
"Good relationships keep us happier and healthier, period," says Dr. Robert Waldinger, director of the study, who did a marvelous TEDx talk on the topic.
It seems so simple. Cultivate good relationships, tend to them, be with people, forgive them quickly, and often. Put in the effort to say connected.
So, if we know this, and loneliness is as toxic as the research says, why then do 20% of Americans still report being lonely? Why is this not our primary focus in personal development?
Well, for me, it is.
Many of the problems I see with my clients stem from fundamental loneliness, weak social fabric, too much isolation, overwork, and shame.
Why are we like this?
Years ago, when I was working for Mercy Ships I taught from a book called Foreign to Familiar: A Guide To Understanding Hot and Cold Climate Cultures.
From it, I learned that Eurocentric cultures (cold climate) tend to value things like privacy, self-sufficiency, and individuality. Whereas, warm-climate cultures - often the ones being colonized - valued things like community, cooperation, and consensus.
Here's how that looked on a Western hospital ship in Africa.
In the early days when African patients were moved to a recovery ward, they were horrified if they were placed in a single room to recover by themselves. They viewed it as a punishment. So the wards were quickly revamped to become communal spaces where multiple patients recovered together. They still are.
Do you see where I'm going with this?
I think the reason we overwork sometimes is to distract ourselves from the loneliness that awaits us at home. I think the reason people say "busy" when you ask how they are, is they'd rather show you their burly bootstraps than their Netflix and Chardonnay addiction.
There is shame attached to being lonely, which is a problem because the way most humans deal with shame is to isolate.
So what do we do?
For me, midlife exposed a much greater longing for better, deeper, more regular relationships of all kinds, which is why Girl Catch Fire is set up like it is, with women's retreats, gatherings, group coaching,team and corporate coaching.
We must relearn the value of warm-climate behavior - cooperation, sharing both burdens and blessings, believing the best in others, forgiveness, living helpfully and communally, etc. We've forgotten or never learned how to live like this and it shows.
Remember, humans evolved in tribes, not alone in individual caves next door to each other. Our caveman brains still register prolonged isolation as a threat, and yet many of us can't understand while we feel anxious when the only humans we talk to are on Zoom.
In the coming months, we're going to do some more intentional community building and we'll share with you ideas for how you can too.
In the meantime, if you're fed up with your midlife dip and want help getting out, and you want to do it with other incredible women book a free call with us.
Happy Sabbath.
xoerin
ps. We're a little short-staffed this week, so don't wait to book your call.
